Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, mostly pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I start seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, frequently causing significant pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a life-changing chance to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over the future and engaging in endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based therapy professional who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.